What to do if the answer to the question ‘R U OK?’ is NO!

R U OK? Day 2024 is rapidly approaching, and what more relevant time could it be to ask such a significant question. Stress, burnout, depression and anxiety are all on the rise globally. Many of us, however, still struggle to have genuine, open, heartfelt conversations about life’s ups and downs. But it’s incredibly important. You don’t have to be an expert to help someone struggling. Often, simply being there for someone, listening and giving them your time goes a long way and may just be the thing to help them get through something.

 

Since its inception in 2009, the annual R U OK? campaign has become a cornerstone in a national push to raise awareness around mental health and suicide. A time where we remember the importance of looking out for another, whether you’re temporarily going through a tough time in life or are one of the approximately 8.5 million Australians experiencing ongoing mental illness. It’s an initiative that’s clearly working.

 

University of Melbourne research reveals that the campaign continues to be relevant and effective in encouraging people to reach out to others by empowering members of the community to have big conversations. Why? Because conversations can change lives. Results from the research shows the impact of the annual campaign is increasing over time as more people become aware of it and take part. By engaging with the key messages of the campaign and chatting about it to their work colleagues, friends and family, we’re seeing big shifts in helping improve behaviours, beliefs and intentions around mental health issues.

 

Folks from all walks of life who were exposed to the campaign were shown to be up to six times more likely to reach out to someone who may be experiencing personal difficulties compared to those who were not exposed to the campaign. On top of that, the vast majority of people seeking help from a mental health professional in the 12 months before the study were aware of and participated in the annual campaign. This shows a big link between how having these important conversations create a real difference when it comes to encouraging people to seek or give support.

 

Truth is, I’m alive today because someone asked me that big, scary, ugly, but well-intentioned question back in 2016, when at the lowest point in my life I was pondering taking the easy way out whilst standing atop a seven-story building.

 

I’m very glad my mate had the courage to ask me that question, but having the courage to ask R U OK? is one thing, knowing when to ask and what to say and do if the answer is a resounding NO! is another. Here are a few points to consider…

 

• First, let’s consider why you’d ask in the first place. Have you noticed your friend, family member, or co-worker becoming withdrawn, changing their online behaviour, becoming less interested in their appearance or personal hygiene, experiencing mood swings, or not sleeping? If so, this may well be a good time to reach out and connect with them.

 

• Next, consider the timing. When reaching out to connect with someone, you’ll need to time it right for both parties. You’ll need to make sure you’re ready and know what you’re going to say, and that they don’t feel cornered, judged or threatened.

 

• Finally, when you do check in, don’t be overly concerned about using the exact phrasing ‘R U OK?’, rather, use the language you’d normally use when talking to a friend after a relationship breakup, being fired from work, or after they fall down the stairs in front of you. Keep it genuine.

 

Truth is, you don’t even have to ask the question, it’s just as easy (and often less confronting) to reach out and connect with someone over a shared social activity and then let the conversation bubble up naturally. Give them a call out of the blue because ‘it’s been a while’. Suggest a virtual games night over Zoom. Meet at the local dog park over coffee.

 

When the conversation starts to get deeper, a strategy I use on a fairly regular basis is to kick things off by sharing my story – what I’m struggling with – as this often creates a safe space of shared experience and gives people permission to open up.

 

There’s value to be had by starting big conversations and listening to people’s problems: sometimes that’s all it takes. But at the times when that’s not enough, when someone tells you they’re not OK, then you need to be ready. Start by asking them if they’d like to talk about it, then shut up and listen and try not to provide answers or solutions. And if that’s not enough, have the courage to suggest they connect with a local GP or professional support service like Lifeline.

 

We don’t always have the answers when things aren’t OK for someone. But what we do know is that lives are changed and saved through courage, human connection, and heartfelt conversations. So, this R U OK? day, reach out and connect with the important people in your life – just in case – because you never know where someone’s at until you ask.

 

If nothing else comes out of it, your actions might just remind someone that they’re not alone, they’re loved, and that someone cares.

 

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Chris Rhyss Edwards is a veteran, entrepreneur, author and digital antagonist.

He spent the 1990’s in the Australian Defence Force as a combat engineer and peacekeeper. Chris has spent the last 20 years in the digital sector building products and teams for NewsCorp, Telstra and Clemenger. He is the also the founder of global award-winning, world-first health-tech start-up Soldier.ly.

His aim is to help individuals and organisations move from black and white thinking towards ‘embracing the grey’. He is also the author of Good Reasons to Kill: An Anthology of Morality, Murder & Collective Madness.

Find out more about Chris